I still haven’t had that moment where I want to yell, “Holy shit! I’m old!” I think the closest I ever came to that was the last time I tried to do a somersault. Or maybe it was the last time I tried trampolining or when I realized that there was someone in my university class who I was a counselor for at summer camp. And then I realized that it was actually their younger sibling. Anyway, I’m not worried about it because I honestly feel that time and delusion are on my side.
Seriously though, the only thing that truly makes me feel old is staying stagnant. As long as I keep expanding my mind, exploring the world, drinking lemon water, and brushing my lips with my toothbrush so hard that they swell, I will always be young at heart.
“I shall die very young…maybe seventy, maybe eighty, maybe ninety. But I shall be very young.” – Jeanne Moreau
7 THINGS I NEVER GREW OUT OF
1. Pretending to be a superstar. I might have grown out of wanting to be a Spice Girl (sort of), but I still like to pretend that I’m a superstar. Sometimes when I’m home alone, I deadbolt the door, close the blinds, put on my headphones, and sing and dance around like I’m a superstar performing for my adoring fans who are always 5 seconds away from Twitter bullying anyone who dares to have an opinion of me different than their own. Isn’t that the dream?
2. Swinging. We all had a favorite playground activity and mine was definitely the swing. I still have the swing my dad made for me when I was younger and one day when I’m 90, people will know me as the crazy old woman who spends her afternoons on her swing listening to dirty rap music. And then they’ll realize that I’m not listening to rap music; I am the rap music.
3. Being afraid of the dark. I was doing really well for awhile, but then I watched Luther and now every night before bed, we have a mandatory predator check that requires doing a full scan of the premises and making sure all of the doors and windows are locked. I still like to do a running jump onto the bed just in case. I can also take four steps at a time if I find myself alone in a dark basement. Apparently paranoia runs in the family. Years ago when I was visiting my brother, he promised that I could have the bed while I was in town and he would sleep on the couch. But then we went and watched the movie Hostel and he decided that I should sleep on the couch since if anyone came for us, they would get me first and he’d have time to run. I might have to do a speech at his upcoming wedding after all.
4. My compartmental stomach. My stomach grew proportionally and my dessert compartment is still the biggest.
5. Wanting to go to Hogwarts. I refuse to believe that I’m a mere muggle. It’s just taking Hagrid a while to find me because he’s getting older and I move around a lot. I actually had a dream where I was a student at Hogwarts. I knew it wasn’t real though because the sorting hat put me in Hufflepuff and I took the Buzzfeed quiz that firmly placed me in Gryffindor. Then again, another Buzzfeed quiz said that I was Mallory from The Baby-Sitters Club. Thanks for showing me that one, Kristen!
6. Wanting to be Anne Marie Chadwick from Blue Crush. One day, I’m going to move to Hawaii and be a surfer girl. Sometime before then, I’m going to figure out how to change US immigration laws or make Hawaii a province and I might even try surfing for the first time.
7. My toes. Wait a minute. That’s something I never grew into. My toes are abnormally long. So what! I was once told that long toes are a sign of royal lineage. I never actually looked into it, but I know it to be true. While we’re at it, I also never grew into my hair. It just keeps getting longer. I have yet to hear a good solution for that.
What’s something you never grew out of…or into?