Oh, the Sexy Selfie! Priceless or Worthless (For Now)

Brooke's Sexy Face 2009

Oh, the sexy selfie. They’re so much fun until you become famous and someone gets rich by plastering your boobs and secret butterfly tattoos all over the internet. Aaron and I have about 5 Rubbermaid tubs that we move from place to place, but never open unless we need something particular like old pictures or a flute and a volleyball jersey. We decided it was finally time to go through them and get rid of things like the Hawaiian leis I wore to safe grad and all of those broken dolphin picture frames. I’m not sure why Aaron was holding on to those. Sometime during the process, I came across a blue velvet photo album that I immediately recognized. It was a gift I made for Aaron on his 21st birthday, almost 7 years ago.

In case the blue velvet didn’t give it away, it was a picture album full of sexy pictures that I took of myself. It was Aaron’s first birthday since we had started dating and I decided to set the bar high. I put on my very best La Senza lingerie, got heavy-handed with the eyeliner, smeared on some glittery pink lip gloss, put on my highest heels, dimmed the lights, and propped up my camera on my dresser with the self-timer set. Game on! For the next hour or so, I did my best to recreate the moves of a Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret model (basically Tyra Banks). Many, MANY hair flips and booty tooches later, I hobbled over to my camera to see if the pictures were worth the whiplash. There were some poses I vowed to never do again, but overall, I was pleased. All of those seasons of America’s Next Top Model had really paid off. I printed off the pictures on glossy camera paper, cut them out, and placed them in the photo album with Mae West quotes like, “The best way to behave is to misbehave.” I put the album somewhere safe and set my camera back on my closet shelf.

Aaron’s birthday weekend arrived and I packed up my album and drove to his place in Winnipeg. That night, we had a big house party for him. At some point in the night, I pulled him aside to give him his gift. I don’t really remember, but I’m pretty sure he liked the album. In hindsight, it must have looked really good next to that Ed Hardy shirt that I also got for him. The birthday weekend came to an end and I made the two hour drive back to Brandon.

My roommate had also thrown a party that weekend and when I got home, I could tell that someone had slept in my bed. I didn’t really care as this was my early 20s and I was used to people crashing at my place. And let’s face it, I’m the girl who entered someone’s home without asking and used the bathroom. I opened up my closet and could tell that someone had been in there too, but I just thought that some of the girls must have borrowed some clothes for the bar. But then I looked up and noticed something was missing from the top shelf – my camera! Did I mention that I never deleted any of those pictures that I took for Aaron? So, it’s possible that someone somewhere still has about 200 pictures of me trying to be the next Adriana Lima. I probably even know them. I hope those pictures really pay off for them someday.

Meanwhile, the only pictures Aaron gets these days look like this.

Brooke sexy selfie 1

That’s what he gets for putting that album at the bottom of a musty bin underneath his chemistry textbooks.

Happy Friday!

4 Beauty Ideas to Try Right Now

After posting my picture ideas for fashion bloggers, I decided I owed it to everyone to share my expertise in other subjects too. First up is the beauty department because being beautiful isn’t as easy as a good night’s sleep, a glass of lemon water, and 20 minutes of swishing coconut oil.

 

1. The Everything Mask

Every month or so, there’s a new magic ingredient that promises to give you the youthful glow of a five year old. Who knows what will be next? We might already have this miracle ingredient in our very own pantries and just not know it yet. I suggest trying everything in your kitchen until you find something that works. If you’d prefer, you can look to the great outdoors for inspiration. I can’t wait to mow the lawn, so I can try a mix of hummus and fresh grass clippings. For my mask pictured below, I used a base of honey and maple syrup and added sprinkles, raisins, and cheerios. I can’t guarantee that it will help your skin, but it will make your dog want to lick your face and it will make you smell like a Canadian.

Everything Face Mask

 

2. Bleached Armpits

Hair, teeth, assholes, and now armpits! There is nothing that can’t be bleached! Apparently there are a lot of home products you can try, but I suggest going to a professional to achieve armpits that look as good and as natural as mine.

Bleached Armpits3

 

3. The Beauty Belt

Dogs make excellent props in pictures, but holding a leash makes it hard to access all of the necessities. This belt came with a couple of cute water bottles in it, but who needs those? Stay connected and fresh on the go by using the belt to hold your perfume, deodorant, brushes, phone, and whatever else you might need to grab in a flash. For all of you bloggers, this belt also makes product placement a cinch!

Brooke Beauty Belt 3Beauty Belt Spritz

 

4. Eyeliner Everywhere

I love following along with fashion weeks, but a lot of the time, the runway looks don’t translate to the real world. So, I was pretty excited to find a couple of things from the haute couture shows in Paris that I could incorporate into my everyday look. The second look is especially summer appropriate since the placement of the eyeliner helps to reduce glare.

Haute Couture Beauty

5 Random Facts

Brooke Eastern Shore

I was tagged by Priscilla to share some random facts and yesterday, after a long and sticky walk, I decided that a video filmed in my stuffy loft was the only way to go. I’m not going to apologize for my appearance, but I am going to warn you. I’m sweaty and my hair’s bad. Enjoy! Oh, and SPOILER ALERT! I actually can’t snap my fingers, but apparently when I’m really sweaty, I can make a baby snap. Snaps for Brooke!

 

Not a Rescue, Not a Purebred

Brooke and Koda Duncan's Cove

People in the dog community have strong opinions. Dare I say that some are even a bit snobby? I’ve heard many a good breeder vs. rescue debate, but I’m not here today to chime in on that. I’m here to announce that Koda falls into the worst category of all – neither! Yep, I crawled out of my bad person cave to tell you that Koda is not a purebred and she’s also not a rescue. There are no bumper stickers on my car that say “Who rescued who?” or “Proud owner of the purebred champion Jasper II, son of THE FIRST Jasper!” In fact, there are no bumper stickers on my car at all because I still haven’t found one that says “I love my backyard bred bitch!”

Let’s rewind for a minute. Before we got Koda, I looked into a couple of shelters and rescues and was told that we wouldn’t be considered because we didn’t have a fully fenced backyard. So, I looked into a reputable breeder and was told that we wouldn’t be considered because we didn’t have enough breed specific experience. Shortly after, we saw Koda in our local classifieds and the rest is history. Technically, Koda came from a backyard breeder, but it’s not quite as bad as you might think. It’s wasn’t one of those horrific puppy mills or even one of those backyard breeders who make a decent amount of money and always seem to have a fresh litter. It was a family who had an oopsie litter and were trying to adopt the puppies out on their own. They weren’t bad people. Were they careless? Yes. But bad people? No. They weren’t making a profit off of the pups, but were charging a small rehoming fee to attract the right people and to recoup some of the costs. Could we have been more patient and kept trying rescues until one was willing to overlook our considerable flaws? Sure. But we didn’t and we don’t regret it because we ended up with Koda. It’s not an ideal story, but it’s our story. I mean, ideally, Koda would have had a horrible life until we rescued her from a clan of vampire bats, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

I love taking Koda to the dog park or any off-leash area where dogs and their owners/rescuers congregate, but I always know there’s a chance I’m going to be outed, shamed, and tossed into a giant biodegradable poop bag. Sometimes, there are two distinct circles. The cirle of purebred dog owners are busy talking about lineage while the circle of rescue dog owners are tying to figure out whose dog has the saddest story. I know that no matter which circle I join, I’m going to be asked where I got Koda. The purebred dog owners always think she’s a Malinois and the rescue dog owners always think she’s a rescue because, well, Koda is a shepherd mix and no Goldendoodle. So, both circles are always surprised when I tell them that we got her from a farm. I try to fill the silence by telling them that it was a lovely family farm like the one Chris Soules from The Bachelor had. It sort of feels like being out with a group of new couple friends who are talking about how they met at the bookstore when their hands brushed reaching for the same copy of Ulysses. And then I have to quickly explain that Aaron and I basically met the same way, except it was at a bar and we were both reaching for the last shot of tequila.

The dog world doesn’t just have strong opinions about the proper way to get a dog. Everyone loves to share their opinions about training methods, diet, collars, leashes, sleeping habits, crating, exercise, and whether you should kiss your dog or not. Personally, I don’t believe that dogs are one size fits all and no matter what, no dog is going to be perfect. Is Koda perfect? Yes, but she’s a very rare exception to the rule.

Basically, I’m just a fan of anyone who gives any animal a good home and a happy life. If Aaron and I decide to add a second dog to the family, we will probably try to go the rescue route again and see if we’re deemed worthy now. Besides her daily walks, Koda regularly navigates the rugged coast at Duncan’s Cove, attempts to swim all the way across Sandy Lake, gallops down the white sands of Martinique Beach, and climbs her way to a beautiful view at Lawrencetown Beach. Who needs a fully fenced backyard? And even though there’s not a bumper sticker, I love my backyard bred bitch.

My New Look

After months of avoiding the inevitable, I woke up Tuesday morning and decided I couldn’t go one more day without a haircut. I called Foxy Moon Hair Gallery and found out that I would have to go one more day because they were booked until Wednesday. Damn. I thought about going to a walk-in salon in the mall, but the last time I did that, I ended up with purple hair and not the good kind of purple hair. Instead of looking like a pretty purple unicorn, I looked like the last eggplant at Walmart. I decided to wait.

The next day, I put my hair in the hands of Amanda and an hour later, I emerged from the salon several inches lighter. If you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen the picture of me celebrating my successful trip to the hair salon with McDonald’s fries. But that was only part one of my new look. I liked my shorter hair so much that I immediately started to think that I should have gone even shorter. That evening, I happened to look through some of the shows from Paris Haute Couture Fashion Week and when I saw the hair from the Chanel show, I had to have it. After all, Chanel goes with everything. So, yesterday I went back to the salon with an image for my stylist to interpret and I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out.

Chanel Show

Brooke Chanel hair2

OK, so that second salon visit never happened. I’m not that high fashion and I’m still attached to my hair. The last time I cut my hair super short I loved it. And then I went home and the Miss Universe pageant was on TV. I’m keeping my hair at least to my shoulders until I find someone who wants to pay me to be their muse.

Brooke New hair cut

I’m on Snapchat!

find me on snapchat

I had a different post planned for today, but then I started watching Pretty Little Liars and I spent the next several hours believing that I was part of the show and using the word “bitches” to end every sentence and text message. I’m clearly a bit preoccupied, so I thought I’d take today to announce that I’m on Snapchat. That’s right! I’m everywhere, bitches.

Yesterday, I took a bunch of fuzzy videos with my phone camera that I thought I would upload to Snapchat, but I guess it doesn’t work like that. Apparently, you have to use the Snapchat app to take all of your pictures and videos. I didn’t want all of my fine cinematography to go to waste, so I put together a little video to convince you to follow me. Don’t forget to leave your Snapchat username in the comments so I can follow you back.

Kisses Bitches – B (snapchat username = brookemeaganj)