LIFESTYLE

Things I Never Grew Out Of

Brooke Meagan Jones - Things I Never Grew Out Of - Swinging I still haven’t had that moment where I want to yell, “Holy shit! I’m old!” I think the closest I ever came to that was the last time I tried to do a somersault. Or maybe it was the last time I tried trampolining or when I realized that there was someone in my university class who I was a counselor for at summer camp. And then I realized that it was actually their younger sibling. Anyway, I’m not worried about it because I honestly feel that time and delusion are on my side.

Seriously though, the only thing that truly makes me feel old is staying stagnant. As long as I keep expanding my mind, exploring the world, drinking lemon water, and brushing my lips with my toothbrush so hard that they swell, I will always be young at heart.

“I shall die very young…maybe seventy, maybe eighty, maybe ninety. But I shall be very young.” – Jeanne Moreau

 

7 THINGS I NEVER GREW OUT OF

1. Pretending to be a superstar. I might have grown out of wanting to be a Spice Girl (sort of), but I still like to pretend that I’m a superstar. Sometimes when I’m home alone, I deadbolt the door, close the blinds, put on my headphones, and sing and dance around like I’m a superstar performing for my adoring fans who are always 5 seconds away from Twitter bullying anyone who dares to have an opinion of me different than their own. Isn’t that the dream?

2. Swinging. We all had a favorite playground activity and mine was definitely the swing. I still have the swing my dad made for me when I was younger and one day when I’m 90, people will know me as the crazy old woman who spends her afternoons on her swing listening to dirty rap music. And then they’ll realize that I’m not listening to rap music; I am the rap music.

3. Being afraid of the dark. I was doing really well for awhile, but then I watched Luther and now every night before bed, we have a mandatory predator check that requires doing a full scan of the premises and making sure all of the doors and windows are locked. I still like to do a running jump onto the bed just in case. I can also take four steps at a time if I find myself alone in a dark basement. Apparently paranoia runs in the family. Years ago when I was visiting my brother, he promised that I could have the bed while I was in town and he would sleep on the couch. But then we went and watched the movie Hostel and he decided that I should sleep on the couch since if anyone came for us, they would get me first and he’d have time to run. I might have to do a speech at his upcoming wedding after all.

4. My compartmental stomach. My stomach grew proportionally and my dessert compartment is still the biggest.

5. Wanting to go to Hogwarts. I refuse to believe that I’m a mere muggle. It’s just taking Hagrid a while to find me because he’s getting older and I move around a lot. I actually had a dream where I was a student at Hogwarts. I knew it wasn’t real though because the sorting hat put me in Hufflepuff and I took the Buzzfeed quiz that firmly placed me in Gryffindor. Then again, another Buzzfeed quiz said that I was Mallory from The Baby-Sitters Club. Thanks for showing me that one, Kristen!

6. Wanting to be Anne Marie Chadwick from Blue Crush. One day, I’m going to move to Hawaii and be a surfer girl. Sometime before then, I’m going to figure out how to change US immigration laws or make Hawaii a province and I might even try surfing for the first time.

7. My toes. Wait a minute. That’s something I never grew into. My toes are abnormally long. So what! I was once told that long toes are a sign of royal lineage. I never actually looked into it, but I know it to be true. While we’re at it, I also never grew into my hair. It just keeps getting longer. I have yet to hear a good solution for that.

What’s something you never grew out of…or into? 

HUMOUR, LIFESTYLE

5 Couple Habits We Stopped Doing

Brooke and Aaron 7 Years Aaron and I had our 7 year anniversary last weekend and we celebrated it by deciding that we’re never getting married. OK, we didn’t decide that definitively, but we did build up a strong case for keeping things the way they are. For example, it took us a long time to get to our 7 year anniversary (7 years to be exact) and we’re not starting over with the count. Most importantly, we don’t want to risk falling back into that honeymoon stage. There are many habits that we gave up years ago and we’d like to keep it that way.

5 COUPLE HABITS WE STOPPED DOING

1. Holding hands on walks. Aaron and I do a lot of walking because Koda demands it and every day we come across couples strolling hand in hand. They’re impossible to miss because everyone else has to abandon the sidewalk to go around them. I always have to fight off the urge to run through their arms while imagining them yelling, “Red Rover! Red Rover! We call Brooke over!” Couples who hold hands rarely walk single file to accommodate oncoming pedestrian traffic because that would mean that they might have to let go of each other and run the risk of one of them falling down, becoming lost, or drowning. We all saw what happened to Jack at the end of Titantic when Rose let go. Anyway, Aaron and I actually tried holding hands on one of our walks the other day just in case it was better than we remembered. It wasn’t. It sort of reminded me of that time at summer camp when we had to try to eat supper with all of our arms tied together. I take walking almost as seriously as I take eating and I become incredibly agitated if my arms don’t maintain a consistent and even swing. I guess we’ll just have to take our chances out there.

 

2. Showering together. This is something Aaron and I gave up very early in our relationship. There are a lot of things I’ll do for love, but taking turns under the hot water in the shower isn’t one of them. There is nothing glamorous about showering together and we learned that the hard way. The last time we showered together was about 6.5 years ago. I got shampoo in my eye and was attempting to hip check Aaron out of the way so I could get to the water when I slipped. I grabbed the shower curtain on my way down, but it was no use. My tailbone cracked against the edge of the bathtub and the back of my head smacked the floor right as the shower rod came down and whacked me on the forehead. And yeah, I was naked. Aaron will never unsee that and I will never feel completely safe in a shower again.

 

3. Cuddling at night. Somebody help those people in the picture below! I’m not sure who is in more danger. The only time Aaron and I risk suffocation or heat stroke is if Koda has taken over the bed and we don’t want to disturb her precious slumber. One of Aaron’s best qualities is that he knows how to stay on his side of the bed.

The Honeymoon Hug *image source

 

4. Taking kissing pictures. There are two types of people in the world: ugly criers and ugly kissers. Actually, there are three types of people because I’m both. That’s another good reason to never get married. I don’t have any proof that I’m an ugly crier (and never will), but I have plenty of proof that kissing isn’t the best look for Aaron and I. I’m going to spare you the kissing collage, but there’s a little taste of the calm before the storm in #5. Sorry, that’s all you get!

 

5. Dressing up together for Halloween. Aaron and I treat Halloween as a time to fulfill our childhood fantasies and it’s hard to find matching costumes that meet all of the requirements. So, until I can convince Aaron that the Ghostbusters did ballet in their free time, we’re always going to look like we don’t belong together. However, with the female version of Ghostbusters set to come out next year, Aaron might just be in luck.

Brooke and Aaron Halloween

How has your relationship changed over the years? 

HUMOUR, LIFESTYLE

Repeat Offender

Brooke Meagan Jones - Brooke and Aaron Babies!As I mentioned in this post, Aaron and I are coming up on 7 years together (in 3 days now), so you can expect at least one more story about our very romantic beginnings. Today I’m going to talk about the first time we met at the bar on purpose. We had been exchanging the right combination of cute and inappropriate texts for a couple of weeks and decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level. It made sense to go back to the scene of the crime where the magic first happened: the dance floor! We agreed to pre-drink with our own friends and then meet at the bar during that very small window of time when it’s not so early that nobody else is there, but it’s not so late that you can’t get in. My girlfriends and I showed up at the bar first and the place quickly became packed. Shortly after, Aaron sent me a text to say that they were outside at the back of the line. Pffft….amateurs! I happened to know the manager of the bar, so I tracked him down and was able to pluck Aaron from the line and bring him into the party. I was only allowed to bring in Aaron though, so his friends had to stay outside. Oh well. Now I had Aaron to myself and he was in for a real treat. Those two weeks apart had given me plenty of time to rehearse some new choreographed dance routines. He didn’t stand a chance. I only wish Sia was around back then because my interpretations of “Chandelier” and “Elastic Heart” are an experience.

By the end of the night, my hair was plastered to my forehead with sweat, my eye makeup had moved to my cheekbones, and I was ready to keep partying. Aaron and I decided to walk back to his Mom’s place, but we didn’t get very far before we realized that walking was a bad idea. We plopped ourselves down on a bus stop, but then remembered that it was two in the morning and there weren’t any buses coming any time soon. So, we decided to make the best of the situation. We continued our walk until we came across a playground that we couldn’t resist. The first thing I went for was the slide. After I did about three slides, Aaron informed me that little boys pee down those slides all the time. I didn’t know that because I was never a little boy, but it was nice that he delivered the message in a timely manner. I hear that nothing really sticks until that fourth slide. It was time to move on. Aaron came up with the idea that we should go see the house that he grew up in. I thought that was pretty darn cute and it was on the way, so off we went. Apparently a quick look from the front wasn’t enough because we decided to jump the fence and check out the backyard.

I realize that this is the second time I’ve admitted to trespassing in the last two weeks. I suppose every good criminal needs a signature style. Some people prefer to steal or expose themselves inappropriately, but those things have never really done anything for me. If I were a real criminal, I would definitely be the type to break into someone’s place, clean it up a little bit, play with their pets, and then sign a note with my left hand saying something like, “Jones was here. You’ve been folding your towels the wrong way. You’re welcome!” One of the benefits of having a common last name is that you can hide in plain site.

Anyway, after Aaron boosted me over the six foot fence, I did what anyone would do. I ran. It was pitch-black and I couldn’t see a thing. I didn’t get very far before I crashed into a second fence. With a flash, the entire yard lit up because of the motion sensors and I could see that the fence I ran into was surrounding a pool. It’s actually a good thing it was there or I might have ended up like Mindy Lahiri at the bottom of a swimming pool with Judgmental Barbie.

You are acting like a fucking idiotAt least it might have washed off some of that urine from the slide. In case you’re wondering, we made it out of the yard undetected. It wasn’t my first time, remember.

LIFESTYLE

I’m The Dinner Party Guest From Hell

It’s not like I have that many allergies. I’m allergic to cats, strawberries, red food colouring, some painkillers, and red wine. I know, sound the sad trombone. Everyone knows that the red candies are the best. Most of my allergies are pretty mild, but there’s one thing that I don’t mess around with: red wine. I’m so good at avoiding it that until recently, I hadn’t come in contact with it since I first discovered I was allergic almost a decade ago. Yes, I was a rebellious 11 year old. Just kidding. When I was 11, the most rebellious thing I did was lie about letting our family dog sleep on my bed. I actually already wrote about my first allergic reaction to red wine in my 5 “Oh Shit!” Travel Moments post. My brother and I were in Rome and I broke out in head to toe hives while we were lost on our way back to the hotel. Back then I was 19 and invincible, so it was no big deal. I didn’t even take an antihistamine. I just drunkenly laughed at myself. It wasn’t until the next morning when I was sober that I became a bit more upset due to reasons of vanity. But now that I’m 28 and not invincible, what do I do when I realize I’ve accidentally consumed something that had red wine lurking in it and I find myself covered in cyclopean welts? I go to the emergency room.

Brooke Hospital GownOh hey! By the time that picture was taken, my antihistamine had kicked in and I was well on my way to recovery. I’m pretty sure my face was trying to say, “I put my gown on the right way for once and I’m nearly naked under here!” As for the pose, I think all fashion bloggers should take notes. That is how you show off your bracelet and have your blood taken at the same time. I didn’t actually have my blood taken, but I could have.

Anyway, the emergency room was a real delight. Seriously. I waited for about a minute before a paramedic who looked a bit like Matt Bomer called me up for my assessment. That was a real ego boost. He told me that my blood pressure was impeccable and that my lungs sounded heavenly. I don’t know if those were his exact words, but that’s what I heard. I was told to move to the waiting room, but didn’t even have time to find a seat before Matt Bomer came and escorted me to my room. A female paramedic came in with my gown and expressed her sympathy for me about not being able to drink red wine. After I changed into my gown, she brought me a warm blanket just in case I was cold. By that point, I was ready to book a room. It wasn’t long before a lovely female doctor came in and said, “Oooh, you poor thing!” She had already been told about my red wine allergy. She listened to my lungs again because obviously Matt Bomer had said to her, “You have got to go in there and check out those lungs. They’re amazing!” I let her have her moment and then happily accepted some free medication and a prescription for a shiny new EpiPen that I practically take to the shower with me now. So, I’m officially that dinner party guest that requires you to provide a vegetarian option, remove anything red from the menu, and get rid of your cat. What time should I come over?

Do you have any allergies? 

HUMOUR, LIFESTYLE

A Lullaby for Mom

Lullaby for Mom
Hi Mom. I know I’m a bit early for Mother’s Day, but you know how I like to beat my brother to the punch. I did, right? I was looking through all of those old scrapbooks that you made for me. Thanks for that. I was so inspired by my abstract pieces of art and my old Mother’s Day cards that I decided to put something together for you. This lullaby might help you sleep or it might give you nightmares. But you can’t have a nightmare unless you’re sleeping, so it’s a start. Happy Mother’s Day! Love you.

*Comments have been turned off for this post. 

HUMOUR

My Last Night on the Prowl

My Last Night on the Prowl

Aaron and I are coming up on 7 years of dating, so you can expect to hear about our incredibly romantic love story over the next two weeks. I already wrote a little bit about it here. I know you’re all dying to know more, but you’ll have to wait because today I’m going to talk about my last night as a single lady on the prowl. I guess technically my last night on the prowl was the night I met Aaron, but I consider that to be the beginning of our story, so it doesn’t count.

A little while ago, I heard some guys talking about how bachelor parties are the last night of a single guy’s life. Ummmmmm…..no. I hate to break it to you guys, but the last night of your single life was the night before you entered into a monogamous relationship. I hope you made the most of it. The hard truth is that we don’t get to plan our last night of singledom because we don’t know when that special time will come and we’ll be swept off our feet by the right combination of alcohol, bad dancing, and rap music. That’s just the way it is. Things will never be the same.

on the prowlAnyway, on my last night on the prowl, I was actually supposed to be out of town. I was in Winnipeg to watch my brother participate in a fitness competition, but when a storm warning was issued, I had to head back to make sure I could get to work the next day. I was a little bummed that I couldn’t stay, but there was a firefighter social going on at one of the bars that night, so I got over it. Just to clarify, this social was for the college students about to graduate and not the actual city firefighters. I’ve also been told that socials are a Manitoba thing, so in case you don’t know, socials are basically fundraising parties that are thrown for anything and everything and they’re also one of the main reasons people decide to get married. Anyway, I called up one of my partners in crime to let her know I was back in town and then we got our game faces on. And by game faces, I mean purple eye shadow up to my eyebrows. Picking out an outfit was never complicated. Back in my day, getting ready for the bar meant putting on a somewhat promiscuous shirt known as a “bar top” with your regular jeans or wearing a long top over leggings. Yep, we used to prowl with our asses covered. I opted for the latter and off we went.

The thing about firefighter socials is that they don’t attract a lot of guys. Not even the promise of lots of girls being there can attract guys to a firefighter social. They all just stay at home that night and talk about how much they hate firefighters. The only guys that were there that night must have missed the memo and let’s just say, the pickings were slim. You might be thinking, “Who cares about other guys? There were future firefighters there!” That’s true and all, but I worked at the gym where all the future firefighters worked out and I had seen them every day for the past seven months. Believe me, I had already exhausted any and all possible love interests there. That didn’t stop me from trying one last time though because that would have been a waste of an outfit and an eyeliner pencil. Unfortunately, nothing could save that night and it was a bust. Just so you know, repeatedly demanding to be dipped on the dance floor is not an attractive quality. Clearly, I had to cut that guy loose.

It was hard to get a cab that night and my girlfriend and I ended up sharing a van cab with some guys. I should have used the bathroom before I left, but I thought, “I’m a big girl. I can hold it.” Anyway, I couldn’t. The cab driver dropped off the guys first and I really wanted to ask them if I could use their bathroom, but I didn’t. The cab driver was about to pull away when I asked him to stop. I lunged out of the cab and ran up to the house where we had just dropped off the guys. I thought about knocking, but the door was open, so I just walked in. It was a split entry house and I could hear all of the guys upstairs. I thought about going up there, but then I heard angels calling from the basement and turned to see a golden toilet. So, I just went downstairs, used the bathroom, and left. I don’t believe they even knew I was there.

I hopped back in the cab and my girlfriend and I went back to my place. We didn’t even order pizza and keep partying. We just girl-talked and gave each other massages because standing in prowl position all night is hard on the back.

Do you remember your last night on the prowl?