21 In HUMOR/ SATIRE/ STYLE

6 Signs Your Blanket Scarf is Taking Over Your Life

Signs Your Blanket Scarf is Taking Over

6 Signs Your Blanket Scarf is Taking Over Your Life

 

1. You start wearing your scarf year round.

You and your scarf have grown so close that you hardly go anywhere without her. So what if it’s summer!? You’re going for ice cream with the girls and ice cream makes you cold. Besides, a picture of Blanket Scarf and ice cream is Instagram #GOALS!

 

2. You only use public transportation.

Sure, it would have been way more convenient to drive to the ice cream shop, but you’ve had a few incidents while driving with Blanket Scarf lately. Who knew being able to shoulder check was actually so important!?

 

3. You start to think your friends might like Blanket Scarf more than they like you.

You finally get to the ice cream shop and see your friends waiting inside. You wave at them and then trip on the curb because you can’t see anything in front of you. “OMG, Blanket Scarf!!” shrieks Ashley. “Are you OK?” Your friends rush over and cast accusatory glares at you while they help Blanket Scarf dust herself off.

 

4. Even the guy who works at Starbucks likes her more now.

You decide to grab a coffee on your way home. You walk in and it’s like that cute barista who used to innocently flirt with you doesn’t even notice you’re there. Suddenly you hear, “Caramel macchiato for Blanket Scarf!” You sigh and go grab your coffee cup that’s covered in doodle hearts and a sketch of the barista curling up with Blanket Scarf in front of a fire.

 

5. Blanket Scarf becomes controlling and calls you names.

You’re back home now getting ready for SoulCycle and decide Blanket Scarf isn’t really appropriate attire. You try to take her off, but you can’t. Blanket Scarf is bigger and stronger than you. “Don’t even think about it,” she threatens. “Your friends only invited you because of me. Besides, you’re a mess without me. Have you seen how bad I fucked up the back of your hair today?”

 

6. You catch Blanket Scarf getting cozy with your boyfriend.

You get home from spin class and need a shower. You get out and feel great until you catch your boyfriend and Blanket Scarf cuddling on the couch. “WHAT’S GOING ON OUT HERE?” you ask your boyfriend. “Oh, I just got a bit cold, so I grabbed your blanket,” he replies. And then just quiet enough so your boyfriend doesn’t hear, Blanket Scarf whispers, “He likes that I’m soft in all the right places.” Something else starts to move under Blanket Scarf and you notice there’s a paw sticking out. Ugh, she got to your dog too.

17 In ENTERTAINMENT/ HUMOR/ SATIRE

Disney Characters in 2015

Disney Characters in 2015

In such a celebrity-obsessed world, it’s shocking that we’re not kept more up to speed with all the drama that happens at the most magical place on earth. Just to clarify, I’m talking about the one and only Disney World where the real Disney characters live. Everyone knows that the people you see at Disneyland are just actors, right?

Here’s what the real Disney characters got up to in 2015.

1. Li Shang was named Sexiest Man Bun of the Year.

2. Mary Poppins was voted favorite nanny by Disney fathers.

3. Dory failed to complete the filming of Finding Dory after repeatedly forgetting to show up on set.

4. Belle won Blogger of the Year for her beauty blog called Be Our Best.

5. Elsa was hired by the government to tackle global warming.

6. Ariel was forced to issue an apology after getting caught on camera saying, “UGHHHH!! I don’t want to be where the fucking people are anymore!”

7. Simba went into hiding after hearing about Cecil.

25 In HUMOR/ LIVING/ SATIRE

Canadian for Dummies

Canadian for Dummies

Funny accents, funny money, and especially funny words! This is by no means a comprehensive guide, but these five definitions should help non-Canadians navigate their way through most conversations with a Canuck.

1. toque (rhymes with duke)- an asshole (“That guy who wouldn’t shake hands after the game was such a toque.”)

2. toonie – the intentional and offensive exposure of two bare ass cheeks. This should not be confused with the loonie, which is the intentional and flirty exposure of one bare ass cheek. The toonie is aggressive while the loonie is simply a cheeky invitation. (“That girl turned down my loonie, so I gave her a toonie.”)

3. smokie – a black eye (Brad: “Where did you get that smokie?” Chad: “From that girl I just toonied.”)

4. eh – eat ham. This is often added on to the end of sentences as an afterthought and doesn’t even have to be related to the previous statement. It’s always meant as a question or an invitation. Only a toque tells people what to do. Canadians actually prefer to eat back bacon, but didn’t feel “ebb” had the same ring to it. In recent years, vegetarians and vegans have adopted “ebb” to mean “eat baked beans” and “eh” to mean “eat hummus.” Either way, you should always take a Canadian up on their invitation if they ask, “We should probably go, eh?”

5. aboot – Nobody in Canada says that, ya toque.